Hi! I’m Kristi!

Images: Noem embraces former President Donald Trump; Redfox family with Lutheran minister M. B. Ordahl [1929]

Hi!  My name is Kristi Noem.

You probably already know me.  I’m the governor of South Dakota, where we like living right and being free.

This great ol’ state was built by decent Christians like my great-grandpa Edward Arnold, who arrived in South Dakota in 1887 with his daddy in a boxcar on the brand new railroad into Indian country.

These heroes of the Old West were poor immigrants from the Old World, living-out the American Dream.  They pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps by courageously squatting on some land just taken from the Isanti Dakota people – non-Christians who totally deserved to lose their land, by the way…

Don’t think for a minute that getting free land gave my great-grandpa any advantages in life!

Anyways, there ain’t a day I don’t thank my grandparents for handing-down the traditions which made this country great.

Like hard work, or knowing when to wear a cowboy hat or wave a gun for press photographers.

And not being afraid to make tough decisions.

Like knowing when a puppy is just so dang disobedient, the best thing is to drag it on out to a gravel pit and put a bullet through its stupid little head.

Well, I suppose The Lord has His reasons for why some will thrive while others must perish.

And look how good things turned-out in the end for the Indians!

Don’t you ever question American decency, whatever them coastal Commies say in the Lib-run media.

We Dakotans still sent missionaries out to save Indian souls, even though their grandparents LITERALLY tried to shoot our brave pioneer forefathers!

That’s true Christian forgiveness right there.

We built nice Indian Boarding Schools, where they could learn to speak a normal, civilized language, and even learn to do figgers.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why people who’ve been given a reservation AND the gospel (with baptisms thrown in!) still keep standing in the way of progress and arguing about oil pipelines.

Anyhow, gotta run now. Still waiting on a phone call from Donald…

C’mon there, Grasshopper.  Heel! I said heel, dammit!

#history #satire #beforewewerewhite